WHAT'S REALLY FOOD?

yelena

Hi guys, this is the mother-load. Friend and fellow connoisseur of anything edible, Briana Milman, recommended Grand Sichuan House to us a few months ago but we’re all soooo busy blah blah blah look at our fabulous lives. When we got to Bay Ridge, a raving spice profile by (love of my life) Robert Sietsema hung in the window. Good sign! Really ready to sweat.

Except, ok. Not to say that it is was a (huge) mistake, but several members of our “dining party” (har har) are adamantly against spicy food. NO! COME ON! We had to settle on mostly non-spicy dishes with two exceptions. Adam and I got chengdu dumplings in allegedly hot hot chili oil. The meat was fresh, the dumplings tender - I won’t say I drank the chili oil but I also won’t say I didn’t. I will say it wasn’t spicy enough while I was pouring it down my gullet.

Tamara ordered the funniest thing ever which was cold jellyfish, shaped like noodles. Tasted ike dancing, squiggly pop rocks . We also got diced flounder in sweet & sour sauce. Apparently I love flounder - it has an amazing texture which is more buttery shellfish than anything. I’ve only ever had it floating through a hazy hot chili oil. I take issue with that fact that this time I was eating this delectable fish in a thick, sweet American sauce. As good as it was, I couldn’t come to terms with being served a bullshit version of any dish. Adam and I ordered double cooked pork - a deceptively titled. The shit is just thick slabs of crunchy, soft (almost bacon-like) pork with a mildly peppery finish. Ginger duck, total winner! Tasted like lamb.

In reality this was a ridiculously good meal with fresh ingredients but I can’t help but harp on the fact that we were served the mild, white-people version of everything. Come on, stop doubting my palate and other irrelevant compaints!?  I walked in expecting to sweat my brains out but left totally unstimulated. If you want to try sichuan food but hate spice, come here. But I’m looking for a few brave men (I am actually just not soliciting women for this) who to eat smoked tea duck and cumin lamb that will scorch your mouth. Get at me!

tamara

i once wrote this thing about how all beer basically tastes like urine and “good” beer is measured solely by how little urine-reminiscence there is*.  the same people who try  to convince me to eat spicy food are the same people who tell me that guinness tastes like chocolate.  you’re all insane!  and spicy food is the worst, right?  why do you want your food to set fire to your mouth?!  get a job!

my infantile palate demanded that we opt for dishes without the scary hot pepper symbol i’ve come to fear.  here are some things that’ll make you scream but not set you on fire.  conch!  i’ve never had this crazy mollusk but this was iNsAnE.  the wild peppery sauce takes over your entire mouth after you finish chewing/swallowing the fish, making you taste the beach over and over (and over and over).  drinking water only makes it more intense!  and then - jellyfish.  this pile of transparent blobs fights you as you chew.  is jellyfish alive when you eat it?  because it literally dances all over your mouth.  most fun thing to eat ever.

i forced my way into the shredded duck with ginger, which was SO GOOD.  duck is usually fatty butter meat, right?  this duck is gamey, in a london-broil-brisket kind of way, with periodic bursts of ginger.  gamey usually = garbage but this way of cooking duck kills.  the prawns in citrus sauce continued our sweet detour - although the sauce was pretty bland (kind of like this sauce), the prawns were amazing buttery pillows.  i called the prawns “shrimp” and yelena yelled at me.

*note: while i still stand by my piss metrics, i eventually had a change of heart.  i once drank a hoegaarden draft with various citrus zests and something amazing called “yeasty beer” after a few hours of “research” here.  i had a beer-piphany, or something!  cool!  let’s drink ten beers and eat jellyfish.